Breaking Free: Ask Me Anything!

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_00]: Be mindful of the little promises that you make to yourself.

[00:00:04] [SPEAKER_00]: Maintaining your boundaries, protecting yourself with those boundaries and using your voice

[00:00:11] [SPEAKER_00]: to advocate for yourself.

[00:00:13] [SPEAKER_00]: That's also going to help you rebuild your trust.

[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to AwakenHer, the podcast where women find their strength and transform their pain

[00:00:22] [SPEAKER_00]: into power.

[00:00:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm Corissa Stepp, your guide on this journey of healing, growth and empowerment.

[00:00:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Here we share the real stories of women who have faced life's toughest challenges and emerged

[00:00:35] [SPEAKER_00]: stronger.

[00:00:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Together with expert insights to light your path forward.

[00:00:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Whether you're seeking to heal, grow or empower your life after heartache, AwakenHer is here

[00:00:46] [SPEAKER_00]: to show you that not only has changed possible but you are capable of achieving more than

[00:00:52] [SPEAKER_00]: you ever imagined.

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Let's dive into today's episode and take another step towards becoming your most empowered

[00:00:59] [SPEAKER_00]: self.

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, hey everyone.

[00:01:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to another episode of AwakenHer.

[00:01:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm your host, Corissa Stepp and today I am super excited because this is a very special

[00:01:11] [SPEAKER_00]: episode.

[00:01:12] [SPEAKER_00]: In today's episode, I am answering your questions.

[00:01:15] [SPEAKER_00]: And if you're not on my newsletter, then that's how you would have been alerted

[00:01:19] [SPEAKER_00]: that you could submit questions to me for this episode that you're listening to

[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_00]: today.

[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_00]: So if you're not on there, I would highly encourage you pause this podcast for one hot

[00:01:29] [SPEAKER_00]: second, scroll down to the links below and get onto my email list so that the next time

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: we do an episode like this, your questions could get answered.

[00:01:38] [SPEAKER_00]: Now of course we do also have a podcast website where at any time you can reach out to

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_00]: us with feedback, with questions or topics that you'd like me to cover on the podcast.

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_00]: So today we're going to dive into a couple of questions that I received that I thought

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_00]: would be really helpful for you as the audience.

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_00]: The first one comes from Gail, who said that she just can't seem to meet normal men.

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_00]: She feels like everyone that she's attracting has strong narcissistic tendencies and she

[00:02:09] [SPEAKER_00]: wants to know where the good guys are.

[00:02:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Gail, if I could tell you where they were all living or hiding out, I would tell

[00:02:16] [SPEAKER_00]: you however to best answer your question.

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_00]: I think what we need to do is we need to think about why we're attracting these types of

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: personalities into our lives.

[00:02:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Now that being said, we all have narcissistic tendencies.

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_00]: It's just that if you are attracting people who have narcissistic tendencies that border

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_00]: on toxic traits, then that's actually the issue.

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER_00]: If you happen to be attracting men who are maybe just a little bit more self-centered,

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_00]: a little bit more self-focused, well, it's hard to say whether or not they are definitely

[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_00]: narcissists and we're not going to sit here and diagnose everyone that you're attracting

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_00]: into your field.

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_00]: However, what I'd love for you to kind of take a moment to think about is what

[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_00]: is it about you that is attracting these types of personalities into your life?

[00:03:13] [SPEAKER_00]: We know that narcissists are attracted to us for usually specific reasons.

[00:03:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Number one, if you tend to be a people pleaser where you're very willing to bend over backwards

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_00]: for somebody else or put someone else's needs ahead of your own, then likely you're

[00:03:30] [SPEAKER_00]: going to attract someone into your life that's going to take advantage of that because

[00:03:33] [SPEAKER_00]: it's complementary.

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_00]: If you're focused on the other all of the time and they're always focused on themselves,

[00:03:42] [SPEAKER_00]: then you've basically set up this dynamic in the relationship where maybe you have shown

[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_00]: time and time again that your needs are not important because you're not prioritizing

[00:03:52] [SPEAKER_00]: them.

[00:03:53] [SPEAKER_00]: My question to you would be, are you prioritizing your needs?

[00:03:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Are you prioritizing how you feel?

[00:04:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Are you prioritizing your overall well-being ahead of somebody else's?

[00:04:07] [SPEAKER_00]: So that's number one.

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_00]: The other thing is, is that narcissists often like people who tend to have a weak sense

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER_00]: of self, meaning that if you are not the type of person who has a voice, right, who

[00:04:24] [SPEAKER_00]: tends to play small, who doesn't know what they want, who maybe tends to go with the flow and

[00:04:33] [SPEAKER_00]: instead of maybe voicing a dissenting opinion or an alternative view or perspective on things

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_00]: and maybe you just kind of allow yourself to be led by the group, then you're likely

[00:04:46] [SPEAKER_00]: to attract people who are interested in either controlling you or like you're

[00:04:51] [SPEAKER_00]: basically letting them know that you're susceptible to someone else's ideas, their influence, their

[00:04:57] [SPEAKER_00]: opinions, maybe even allowing other people to make decisions for you as opposed to you

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_00]: actually saying, yes, I want to do that or no, I don't want to do that.

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_00]: So if you have essentially a weakened sense of or a weakened set of boundaries, then

[00:05:15] [SPEAKER_00]: likely you're also going to be attracting narcissistic people into your life.

[00:05:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Now, narcissists also don't have a good strong sense of boundaries necessarily.

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_00]: But if you show them that you don't have boundaries at all or that your boundaries are

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER_00]: porous and you can be easily strong armed into doing something that you don't want to do or

[00:05:36] [SPEAKER_00]: easily strong armed into believing that someone else's opinion or way of doing things is the

[00:05:42] [SPEAKER_00]: right way or the right opinion or the right way of thinking, then you're going to attract

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_00]: these types of people into your life because for a narcissist, they want control.

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00]: They want to know that how they think what matters to them is more important than however

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_00]: you feel. If you back down easily, that's another sign that the narcissist is going

[00:06:08] [SPEAKER_00]: to likely be a compliment to you because they're going to have very strong opinions.

[00:06:14] [SPEAKER_00]: They know what they want and they'll stop at nothing to get it.

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_00]: So again, this comes down to boundaries because if you're not able to say no when you want to

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER_00]: say no or if you're not able to advocate for your own needs or you're not able to

[00:06:33] [SPEAKER_00]: share with somebody how you want to be treated versus how they are treating you,

[00:06:38] [SPEAKER_00]: that's again setting a boundary as to what you did or what you said is not acceptable to me.

[00:06:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I will not tolerate that and if you cannot hold firm on that boundary so that the next time that

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER_00]: type of behavior arises, you either issue a consequence or you restate and reaffirm your

[00:06:58] [SPEAKER_00]: boundary, then the narcissist is going to learn that they can walk all over you because

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_00]: you're a pushover. So again, if we're attracting these types of people into our lives,

[00:07:07] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not here to say that you're the problem necessarily but I just want you to be aware of

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_00]: which patterns of yours might be attracting these types of people into your life over and over again.

[00:07:19] [SPEAKER_00]: Now, that being said, I'm not really sure what circles you're hanging out in.

[00:07:25] [SPEAKER_00]: There's a potential there that there are certain careers, there are certain fields,

[00:07:31] [SPEAKER_00]: there are certain communities that might be more filled with narcissistic personalities.

[00:07:36] [SPEAKER_00]: I personally come from the finance industry and I would probably have a hard time saying that there

[00:07:42] [SPEAKER_00]: are not a lot of narcissists in the financial industry when it comes to men and their egos.

[00:07:48] [SPEAKER_00]: But that being said, I was not as fully aware of narcissists and narcissistic personalities

[00:07:54] [SPEAKER_00]: when I was in the financial industry so that's me just kind of looking back and reflecting

[00:07:58] [SPEAKER_00]: without really having had the tools and the knowledge back then to really say that with

[00:08:02] [SPEAKER_00]: any real firm conviction. I hope that kind of answers your question, Gail. And I hope that

[00:08:09] [SPEAKER_00]: in being able to set firm and clear boundaries, in being able to have a strong sense of who you are,

[00:08:16] [SPEAKER_00]: what your values are, what's important to you, knowing and identifying what your needs are

[00:08:22] [SPEAKER_00]: and prioritizing those, I hope that those things right there can help you to begin to attract

[00:08:29] [SPEAKER_00]: the right kind of people into your life, healthy people into your life who are going to respect

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_00]: you. And the next question, I had a question from Jenny who wanted to know my thoughts on what the

[00:08:40] [SPEAKER_00]: toll constant lying takes on a person. So in her former relationship, her ex had a lot of

[00:08:48] [SPEAKER_00]: narcissistic and emotionally immature traits with the main one being that it was so hard

[00:08:54] [SPEAKER_00]: to understand and get over his constant lying and omissions. We have heard the saying before

[00:09:01] [SPEAKER_00]: an omission is also a denial of the truth, right? It's potentially could be a conscious way in which

[00:09:07] [SPEAKER_00]: someone is avoiding telling the truth, right? Which in essence could be perceived as a lie.

[00:09:13] [SPEAKER_00]: So she felt like in their relationship that even small omissions and lies really seem to add

[00:09:18] [SPEAKER_00]: up. And she was just wondering how harmful they are to a person emotionally, and then

[00:09:25] [SPEAKER_00]: understanding what the challenge is then in terms of healing and learning how to trust again.

[00:09:30] [SPEAKER_00]: This is a great question. So here's the thing. If you are in a relationship with someone that

[00:09:37] [SPEAKER_00]: you trust, right? And the foundation of most relationships is built upon trust.

[00:09:42] [SPEAKER_00]: And that could even be not because that person has earned your trust, but because maybe you're

[00:09:46] [SPEAKER_00]: the type of person that willingly trusts others without having evidence as to whether or not

[00:09:52] [SPEAKER_00]: that person is trustworthy. As you are in that relationship and as time goes on,

[00:09:57] [SPEAKER_00]: if that person that you trust and love so much starts lying to you,

[00:10:02] [SPEAKER_00]: and they're consistently lying to you, then what can happen is over time, we stop trusting

[00:10:08] [SPEAKER_00]: our ability to be a good judge of character, trusting our ability to keep ourselves safe.

[00:10:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Because when we're in a relationship where someone is constantly lying to us,

[00:10:19] [SPEAKER_00]: our nervous system is often sending us all of these red flags, all of these alerts that

[00:10:25] [SPEAKER_00]: something is off, that something doesn't make sense, that something is out of alignment or

[00:10:32] [SPEAKER_00]: you might be getting that little niggling feeling in the back of your mind or in your gut

[00:10:36] [SPEAKER_00]: that what this person that you love so much is telling you is not true.

[00:10:40] [SPEAKER_00]: You obviously then begin to not trust that other person, but the biggest damage happens to be around

[00:10:46] [SPEAKER_00]: your ability to self-trust. So it can be very damaging and gaslighting in and of itself

[00:10:55] [SPEAKER_00]: is a way in which somebody is lying to you because they're trying to skew your perception

[00:11:03] [SPEAKER_00]: of the truth, of reality. And when you live in an environment where you're constantly getting

[00:11:08] [SPEAKER_00]: gaslit, it makes it really hard for you to trust the environment that you're in. It can make you

[00:11:15] [SPEAKER_00]: feel like you can't trust your own sense of reality. It can make you again start to lack

[00:11:21] [SPEAKER_00]: that trust in yourself to be able to perceive what is real and what is not. You might even

[00:11:28] [SPEAKER_00]: question your memory, right? Your ability to remember things properly or correctly because

[00:11:33] [SPEAKER_00]: someone else is constantly telling you that that's not what happened or that's not what they said.

[00:11:38] [SPEAKER_00]: So obviously, I hope that you're out of that situation and it sounds like you are because

[00:11:43] [SPEAKER_00]: you asked about this regarding your acts. So I'm proud and I'm really happy that you're not in

[00:11:48] [SPEAKER_00]: that situation anymore. The road to healing and recovery can be a bit of a long one. However,

[00:11:55] [SPEAKER_00]: what I suggest you start doing is learning how to listen to your gut. Okay? Our bodies are

[00:12:06] [SPEAKER_00]: constantly communicating. Our intuition is constantly communicating with us. Now, I come at this from a

[00:12:13] [SPEAKER_00]: little bit more of a human design perspective, meaning that according to our human design,

[00:12:19] [SPEAKER_00]: our intuition speaks to us in very specific ways. That being said, overall, I'm going to just

[00:12:25] [SPEAKER_00]: say that our intuition does speak to us through bodily sensations and quiet inner knowings.

[00:12:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Okay? It is a visceral feeling. So 70% of the population are generator types according to human

[00:12:42] [SPEAKER_00]: design, which means that most of us get a gut feeling as to whether or not something is for us

[00:12:50] [SPEAKER_00]: or not for us, or whether or not something rings as true for us or is not true for us.

[00:12:59] [SPEAKER_00]: So I would encourage you to start tuning into your intuition. Start tuning into the red flags that

[00:13:08] [SPEAKER_00]: your body is sending you to let you know whether or not something is right and aligned or not good

[00:13:15] [SPEAKER_00]: for you, and then acting on it, and then going back and reflecting and saying, okay, my gut said

[00:13:24] [SPEAKER_00]: yes. I said yes to something and I followed through with that commitment, and now let's reflect on how

[00:13:30] [SPEAKER_00]: that commitment turned out. Did it go well? Did it not go well? These are all signs that potentially

[00:13:37] [SPEAKER_00]: either we're not fully listening to our gut or these are now confirmations that we can be trusted

[00:13:45] [SPEAKER_00]: because if it turned out great and we said yes, then that's our clue that we have now

[00:13:52] [SPEAKER_00]: evidence to prove that our intuition was correct in leading us down that path or to saying yes to

[00:13:57] [SPEAKER_00]: that opportunity or that relationship or circumstance or experience or whatever it might be.

[00:14:03] [SPEAKER_00]: So what I encourage my clients to do is to keep a journal and write down these instances where

[00:14:11] [SPEAKER_00]: you're listening to your intuition, the decision that you made, what the outcome was

[00:14:16] [SPEAKER_00]: so that you can then go back and reflect and have the evidence to prove to your

[00:14:20] [SPEAKER_00]: doubting mind that you can be trusted. Being able to have that written evidence and being able to

[00:14:29] [SPEAKER_00]: review it is going to help you to rebuild your self-trust. Our mind tries to keep us safe.

[00:14:38] [SPEAKER_00]: So what happens is when we get out of our comfort zone or when we're faced with uncertainty,

[00:14:43] [SPEAKER_00]: what happens is automatically the mind is going to jump in with all of the doubt and all of

[00:14:47] [SPEAKER_00]: the fear and all of the protector parts as we call it in IFS or coping strategies, defense mechanisms,

[00:14:53] [SPEAKER_00]: avoidance strategies to try and keep us safe. That's like our nervous system doing its job to

[00:14:59] [SPEAKER_00]: keep us safe from experiencing some sort of pain due to an unknown or an uncertainty.

[00:15:05] [SPEAKER_00]: So the more that we're able to prove to ourselves that we are capable of making good

[00:15:10] [SPEAKER_00]: decisions, that we are capable of judging someone's character accurately, that we are capable of

[00:15:17] [SPEAKER_00]: listening to our intuition following through and then seeing the results and knowing that maybe it

[00:15:23] [SPEAKER_00]: turned out even better than what we imagined or maybe the outcome was that it led us to

[00:15:29] [SPEAKER_00]: another opportunity that was even more aligned for us. So again, writing these things down,

[00:15:36] [SPEAKER_00]: having the evidence that although our nervous system tried to keep us safe and started to

[00:15:41] [SPEAKER_00]: throw us all these curveballs of fear and doubt and all these adaptive strategies to help us cope

[00:15:46] [SPEAKER_00]: when we're feeling uncertain or feeling insecure, proving that we made the decision,

[00:15:52] [SPEAKER_00]: we stuck to it and it was fine. We were okay. And so that's the process of rebuilding

[00:15:58] [SPEAKER_00]: our self-trust. The other thing is I'd love for you to think about the little tiny promises

[00:16:04] [SPEAKER_00]: that you make to yourself throughout a given day. So for some of us, maybe that's I'm going to eat

[00:16:12] [SPEAKER_00]: a healthy breakfast every morning and if you find that you're not really maintaining that

[00:16:19] [SPEAKER_00]: promise to yourself, right? Maybe you're only maintaining that promise three times a week

[00:16:25] [SPEAKER_00]: as opposed to seven days a week. And listen, like at the end of the day, none of us are perfect

[00:16:30] [SPEAKER_00]: if you're trying to instill a new habit like this, like eating a healthy breakfast

[00:16:33] [SPEAKER_00]: and you're making yourself that small promise, then getting it right at least 70% of the time

[00:16:39] [SPEAKER_00]: is better than nothing. Right? We can't be perfect 100%. You can't instill a new habit

[00:16:44] [SPEAKER_00]: right away. It takes time. So if out of five out of seven days, you're maintaining

[00:16:53] [SPEAKER_00]: that small promise that you've made to yourself that you're going to feed yourself

[00:16:56] [SPEAKER_00]: a healthy, nutritious breakfast every morning. Well, that's helping you rebuild your self-trust

[00:17:04] [SPEAKER_00]: because now you're proving to yourself that you can keep your body healthy, that you can make

[00:17:08] [SPEAKER_00]: healthy choices, that you can cultivate new habits that support your well-being.

[00:17:15] [SPEAKER_00]: So in maintaining and keeping those promises to yourself, those little teeny tiny promises,

[00:17:20] [SPEAKER_00]: even if it's, you know, I'm going to meditate for five minutes every morning when I wake up.

[00:17:27] [SPEAKER_00]: And maybe it's not even every morning because if you're starting a new practice and trying

[00:17:31] [SPEAKER_00]: to instill a new habit or you're trying to reach a new goal, doing it in small baby steps

[00:17:35] [SPEAKER_00]: is even better. So even if you're like, I'm going to meditate at least four times a week

[00:17:40] [SPEAKER_00]: or five times a week for five minutes, the more and more you keep that promise to yourself,

[00:17:47] [SPEAKER_00]: again, you're going to cultivate and rebuild that self-trust in yourself because every time we break

[00:17:54] [SPEAKER_00]: a small promise that we make to ourselves, that self-trust gets whittled away and we break it

[00:18:00] [SPEAKER_00]: down even further. So be mindful of the little promises that you make to yourself and try to

[00:18:06] [SPEAKER_00]: do your best to keep those promises to yourself. And you can just start really,

[00:18:10] [SPEAKER_00]: really, really small. Maybe it's just the next time somebody asks me to do something,

[00:18:16] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to say yes unless you really want to. So proving to yourself by setting boundaries,

[00:18:24] [SPEAKER_00]: maintaining your boundaries, protecting yourself with those boundaries and using your voice

[00:18:31] [SPEAKER_00]: to advocate for yourself, that's also going to help you rebuild your trust. This is a practice,

[00:18:38] [SPEAKER_00]: this is something that isn't going to happen overnight. You have to give yourself grace,

[00:18:43] [SPEAKER_00]: you have to give yourself compassion and have self-emphathy because there are going to be times

[00:18:49] [SPEAKER_00]: where you get caught up, right? There are going to be times where maybe you take two steps forward

[00:18:55] [SPEAKER_00]: and then one step back or three steps forward and two steps back. And that's okay because

[00:19:01] [SPEAKER_00]: that's a natural part of the learning curve. So again, in that moment, you'd have to give

[00:19:07] [SPEAKER_00]: yourself some compassion, have a little bit of grace and just say, you know what, well done,

[00:19:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Jenny, you've done a good job. You're working really hard and I can see you are trying your best.

[00:19:18] [SPEAKER_00]: And that's it. I hope that that helps each of you with your questions that you brought to today's

[00:19:25] [SPEAKER_00]: episode of Ask Me Anything. Again, if any of you listening have questions of your own or if

[00:19:31] [SPEAKER_00]: these answers to these questions have spurred on another set of questions, then please feel free

[00:19:36] [SPEAKER_00]: to write to me, send me an email, reach out on Instagram or reach us through the podcast

[00:19:41] [SPEAKER_00]: website. I'd be happy to answer your questions. This has been such a fun episode for me to record

[00:19:46] [SPEAKER_00]: and I hope you enjoy listening to it. Until next time, be well. Thank you for tuning in to

[00:19:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Awaken Her. Today's conversation may have ended, but your journey towards healing and

[00:19:57] [SPEAKER_00]: empowerment is ongoing. Remember, every challenge you face is an opportunity to grow

[00:20:03] [SPEAKER_00]: stronger and more resilient. If our stories today inspired you, consider sharing this episode

[00:20:08] [SPEAKER_00]: with someone who needs these empowering messages. I'm Karissa Stepp, cheering you on as you take

[00:20:14] [SPEAKER_00]: the steps to heal, grow and transform your life. Keep believing in yourself and until next time,

[00:20:19] [SPEAKER_00]: stay empowered.