How To Stop Attracting Narcissists

[00:00:00] When you learn to fill the holes in your own soul and you stop seeking outside validation,

[00:00:08] you will be able to make healthy decisions about what type of behavior you are willing

[00:00:13] to tolerate and what types of behavior you will not.

[00:00:17] Welcome to Awaken Her, the podcast where women find their strength and transform their

[00:00:22] pain into power. I'm Corissa Stepp, your guide on this journey of healing, growth

[00:00:28] and empowerment. Here we share the real stories of women who have faced life's toughest challenges

[00:00:35] and emerged stronger, together with expert insights to light your path forward. Whether

[00:00:40] you're seeking to heal, grow or empower your life after heartache, Awaken Her is

[00:00:46] here to show you that not only is change possible, but you are capable of achieving

[00:00:51] more than you ever imagined. Let's dive into today's episode and take another step

[00:00:57] towards becoming your most empowered self.

[00:01:02] Hello hello and welcome to Awaken Her. In today's episode, we are going to chat about

[00:01:08] how to stop attracting narcissists into our life. Before we jump in though, we first

[00:01:13] need to understand why we attracted them to begin with. We attracted them because

[00:01:19] our patterns of behavior were the perfect complement for their patterns of behavior.

[00:01:25] For example, I would bet that if you have attracted narcissists into your life, it's

[00:01:31] because you have more of an external focus on other people. You may identify as a

[00:01:36] people pleaser or someone who likes to make others happy by going out of your

[00:01:40] way. If this is you, then you likely spend more time focusing on the needs

[00:01:45] of other people rather than on your own. This is the perfect match for a narcissist

[00:01:52] who is only concerned with themselves and getting their needs met. If you are someone

[00:01:58] who has a hard time saying no or setting boundaries, then this will play very well

[00:02:03] into the harmful tactics of a narcissist who will easily be able to manipulate you

[00:02:09] and keep the upper hand in the relationship. If you often find yourself over apologizing

[00:02:16] or taking accountability even when it's not your fault just to keep the peace

[00:02:20] in your relationships, then this dynamic will also work very nicely with the

[00:02:25] narcissist who will never take accountability for their actions or show remorse. If you

[00:02:30] tend to avoid speaking your truth as a way to prevent or avoid confrontation, then

[00:02:37] the narcissist will also appreciate this since you will likely and easily back

[00:02:42] down in face of conflict again and again giving them the upper hand. If you are

[00:02:47] overly self-critical, then this too, surprise, surprise works well for the narcissist because

[00:02:53] they will likely project their own insecurities onto you as well which you might easily accept

[00:02:58] as your fault if you identify as a people pleaser or have struggled in the past with

[00:03:04] knowing who you are. We could keep going and going but I think you get the gist. So the big

[00:03:10] question we're going to answer is how to stop attracting these narcissists into your life.

[00:03:16] Well, you may or may not have guessed that the first way to start repelling narcissistic

[00:03:22] personalities into your life is by setting clear and firm boundaries. Now if you're a people

[00:03:28] pleaser this may be something that you've struggled with in the past. It could be because

[00:03:33] you never learned that setting boundaries was important in your relationships. It's possible

[00:03:38] that it may not have been modeled for you as a child where maybe your parents didn't set

[00:03:44] good boundaries or have any boundaries at all and somehow that dynamic then is familiar

[00:03:49] because the narcissist also is not good at setting boundaries. So when you meet them it

[00:03:54] feels like a familiar pattern. So how do you begin to set clear and healthy boundaries?

[00:04:01] You start small, you stop saying yes when you really want to say no, you begin to value

[00:04:07] yourself, your time, your energy, your desires, your needs, your wants and you set appropriate

[00:04:15] boundaries that reflect your value and your worth. You build the courage to communicate

[00:04:20] those boundaries clearly and effectively. You learn to fully love and accept yourself

[00:04:26] because setting boundaries is an act of self-love. You understand what healthy love

[00:04:31] is by cultivating it within yourself for yourself first and when you do that you stop accepting

[00:04:38] unhealthy love in the form of breadcrumbs or affection and rejection or love and abuse

[00:04:48] which creates a very addictive cycle of pain and pleasure or an addiction to chaos which creates

[00:04:55] that trauma bond that keeps you stuck in these relationships. Now these all might seem like

[00:05:02] lofty tasks or it might even seem like it's impossible but I promise you that it is possible.

[00:05:10] I do this work with clients all the time and even though I myself have also experienced

[00:05:16] this firsthand, I see it in my work time and time again that it is possible to do the work

[00:05:23] on yourself and begin to start attracting in different types of people into your life that

[00:05:29] are healthy. Now I'm going to give you the key integral piece to all of this that is going

[00:05:37] to make the biggest difference if you've tried to set boundaries before in the past and it

[00:05:42] hasn't worked for you. That key is working with your nervous system. A lot of these behavioral

[00:05:49] patterns that I was discussing earlier were created in childhood as a way for you to stay safe,

[00:05:55] as a way for you to self-preserve, as a way for you to get your own needs met. So when you

[00:06:03] begin to learn how to work with your nervous system you learn how to create that safety

[00:06:08] within you. You'll be less likely to back down on a boundary when you feel like it's safe to

[00:06:14] maintain it. You'll be more likely to speak your truth and stand up for what you know is right

[00:06:21] and to stop settling for less than what you deserve when you feel calm, confident,

[00:06:28] courageous, and clear on who you are, what you need, what you want, and what you desire.

[00:06:35] When you learn how to regulate your emotions after years of being stuck in a trauma response,

[00:06:42] a freeze state, or constantly feeling like you have to walk on eggshells, you'll be able to stay

[00:06:48] in your prefrontal cortex which is your rational thinking mind so that you can stay true to you,

[00:06:56] so you can feel safe saying no and setting boundaries in your relationships because you'll

[00:07:02] know how to down-regulate and use healthy coping mechanisms instead of maladaptive ones

[00:07:09] that include people pleasing for example. When you are able to set clear boundaries and maintain

[00:07:15] them, you will repel the narcissists in your life. As a result, you'll naturally begin to

[00:07:22] attract healthy people who are open to fostering healthy relationships that are built upon mutual

[00:07:29] respect and authenticity. When you cultivate a strong sense of who you are and learn to fully

[00:07:37] love and accept yourself, you will no longer compromise your authenticity, your values,

[00:07:42] or your value. When you learn to fill the holes in your own soul and you stop seeking

[00:07:49] outside validation, you will be able to make healthy decisions about what type of behavior

[00:07:56] you are willing to tolerate and what types of behavior you will not. You will also attract

[00:08:02] a different type of person into your life. Oftentimes, people who end up in these relationships

[00:08:07] have an external locus of control and once they're able to learn to regulate their

[00:08:13] internal environment by working with their nervous system, they let go of trying to control their

[00:08:19] external environment and are able to more adeptly handle various challenges that arise

[00:08:26] in their relationships and in life. And they're able to do that without self-abandoning or

[00:08:32] self-sacrificing. They can begin to set boundaries without fearing an emotional fallout with someone

[00:08:39] else. When doing this work, you're able to depersonalize someone else's emotions and

[00:08:46] recognize fully that other people's emotions are not your responsibility. The only person's

[00:08:53] emotions that you can control are your own. So if you are to set a boundary with someone

[00:08:59] and you start to back down on that boundary out of the fear that you might be disappointing

[00:09:05] them or that you might be hurting them or upsetting them, that's an indication to you

[00:09:11] that your nervous system is getting dysregulated. So you need to be able to learn the tools that

[00:09:17] you can use to down-regulate your nervous system, to create that sense of safety again.

[00:09:23] Because when you're able to regulate your own emotions that rise to the surface by working

[00:09:29] this way with your nervous system, then you're able to create that safety within so that you

[00:09:34] can continue to reaffirm and reassert your boundaries. This has an additional benefit because

[00:09:41] when you're able to do that, you're actually also at the same time increasing your ability

[00:09:46] to trust yourself. You're also able to reinforce the idea that you are fully capable

[00:09:52] of keeping yourself safe in a way that is reflective of your self-worth.

[00:10:00] Now if this sounds like a lot to you, if this sounds like it's overwhelming,

[00:10:04] yes, it's a lot of deep inner work. Yes, it does take time, especially when you're doing

[00:10:11] work with the nervous system. If you've spent so much time in a dysregulated state,

[00:10:18] then we have to work to bring you back into feeling safe first and that could take some time.

[00:10:23] But once you're able to do that, you will start to see the differences. You'll

[00:10:28] start to understand and start to witness how you begin to disrupt a lot of these patterns

[00:10:33] of behavior that you have defaulted to in the past to stay safe, that have kept you

[00:10:39] in these unhealthy relationships or that have caused you to attract these unhealthy

[00:10:44] people into your life. This is a lot of the work that we do in StrongHer, my group coaching

[00:10:50] program that's structured like a membership and built upon a supportive and amazing community

[00:10:56] of women. In StrongHer, we help you recover from the trauma of narcissistic abuse so that

[00:11:01] you can first find your way back to yourself and second so that you can start cultivating healthy

[00:11:07] interdependent relationships that repel the toxic personalities that you have magnetized

[00:11:13] throughout your life. If you're interested in learning more about StrongHer, then I encourage

[00:11:18] you to reach out to me on Instagram at curasestep with the word ready and I'll send

[00:11:24] you all the details. As always, I hope this week's episode was valuable. Until next week everyone, be well.

[00:11:32] Thank you for tuning in to Awaken Her. Today's conversation may have ended,

[00:11:36] but your journey towards healing and empowerment is ongoing. Remember, every challenge you face

[00:11:42] is an opportunity to grow stronger and more resilient. If our stories today inspired you,

[00:11:47] consider sharing this episode with someone who needs these empowering messages. I'm Carissa Step,

[00:11:53] cheering you on as you take the steps to heal, grow and transform your life.

[00:11:58] Keep believing in yourself and until next time, stay empowered.