Moment 002: Patterns of Pain

[00:00:01] [SPEAKER_00]: As children, you may have learned that you can't be loved for who you are, that you have to be something

[00:00:08] [SPEAKER_00]: or someone else in order to get validation love and acceptance.

[00:00:13] [SPEAKER_00]: And this dynamic may have been present in your childhood home.

[00:00:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to AwakenHer, the podcast where women find their strength and transform their pain

[00:00:22] [SPEAKER_00]: into power.

[00:00:24] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm Corissa Stepp, your guide on this journey of healing, growth and empowerment.

[00:00:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Here we share the real stories of women who have faced life's toughest challenges and

[00:00:35] [SPEAKER_00]: emerged stronger.

[00:00:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Together with expert insights to light your path forward, whether you're seeking to heal, grow

[00:00:42] [SPEAKER_00]: or empower your life after heartache, awaken her is here to show you that not only is

[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_00]: changed possible but you are capable of achieving more than you ever imagined.

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Let's dive into today's episode and take another step towards becoming your most empowered

[00:00:59] [SPEAKER_00]: self.

[00:01:01] [SPEAKER_00]: It's a pattern that you may have been used to where maybe you had a really critical parent who

[00:01:06] [SPEAKER_00]: constantly criticized and belittle you, and on top of it, maybe they weren't there

[00:01:12] [SPEAKER_00]: to meet your emotional needs so there was emotional neglect happening as well, which

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_00]: is abuse.

[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_00]: And that rejection and emotional abuse is familiar.

[00:01:21] [SPEAKER_00]: You may have learned that the only way to overcome that rejection and abuse was by being

[00:01:28] [SPEAKER_00]: the good child, the good girl, by behaving in a way that met your parents approval and

[00:01:36] [SPEAKER_00]: validation where you felt loved when you were recognized for that good behavior.

[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_00]: We're essentially that recognition was misconstrued as love.

[00:01:47] [SPEAKER_00]: So the narcissistic relationship and the dynamics in it is really just your version of

[00:01:53] [SPEAKER_00]: what love is.

[00:01:55] [SPEAKER_00]: So it feels familiar, it feels comfortable, it feels safe because what we perceive as

[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_00]: comfortable, we also equate to safety.

[00:02:11] [SPEAKER_00]: And so we're constantly trying to get back to feeling safe, especially in a world full of uncertainty.

[00:02:19] [SPEAKER_00]: And now some of this also goes into attachment style but we're not going to dive into that

[00:02:24] [SPEAKER_00]: today because I don't want to go into too much.

[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_00]: So maybe we'll cover that in another episode.

[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_00]: But in addition to that addiction to the chemicals, the addiction to the pain, pleasure,

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_00]: cycle, that feeling of familiarity.

[00:02:40] [SPEAKER_00]: The narcissist feels familiar to us.

[00:02:44] [SPEAKER_00]: So we might feel automatically when we meet them that they are a safe person that the dynamics

[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_00]: of the relationship might feel safe.

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_00]: It might feel unlike some healthy relationships, maybe that you had in the past or you

[00:02:59] [SPEAKER_00]: might notice that you have attracted this type of person into your life over and over

[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_00]: again because again, these patterns are familiar to something that you experienced in childhood.

[00:03:10] [SPEAKER_00]: So in a way it's almost like we become a magnet for them.

[00:03:14] [SPEAKER_00]: There's a couple of things that are important to note that I want you to understand.

[00:03:20] [SPEAKER_00]: In order for a trauma bond to form, there needs to be a power imbalance and also the abuse

[00:03:28] [SPEAKER_00]: needs to be somewhat sporadic and intermittent because if the abuse was obvious and was

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_00]: ongoing and escalating and happening for a really long period of time, likely you would recognize

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER_00]: that it's abusive and you'd probably get out of the relationship.

[00:03:45] [SPEAKER_00]: But the reason why this becomes so addictive and the reason why a lot of people don't even

[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_00]: realize that they're in these types of relationships is because it is so infrequent and happening

[00:03:57] [SPEAKER_00]: irregularily. It can stimulate that desire to just constantly want to get back to what you once had,

[00:04:05] [SPEAKER_00]: the good memories, the good times, the person they once were. A part of you might feel like you no longer

[00:04:11] [SPEAKER_00]: recognize the person that you're with because they seem so different from who they were in the

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_00]: beginning. Except that remember in the beginning of the relationship and during the idealization

[00:04:22] [SPEAKER_00]: slash hoovering phase, you're being flooded with happy love hormones and so you believe or

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_00]: come to expect to get that back in time over and over again. You just expect the next high to come

[00:04:36] [SPEAKER_00]: but what happens is over time those highs become less and less frequent and the abuse

[00:04:46] [SPEAKER_00]: picks up and becomes more frequent and more regular. It is the familiarity that love and abuse

[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_00]: or love and rejection go hand in hand, right? That you can't have one without the other. That's the

[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_00]: pattern that's familiar and why we'll get into these relationships as adults. There's also a distortion

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_00]: of the truth. The truth is that the narcissist is toxic and abusive. Now I'm just kidding. It all

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_00]: is the distortion is that this is normal, right? The distortion is that this is the way relationships

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_00]: are. They're chaotic and confusing and require you to give more than you have in order to

[00:05:26] [SPEAKER_00]: receive anything back. It's that distortion that you are worthy of the breadcrumbs and not the whole cake.

[00:05:34] [SPEAKER_00]: So if you're wondering why you keep attracting these narcissists, it's not because there's

[00:05:38] [SPEAKER_00]: anything wrong with you. It's just that they give you love in a way that is familiar to the way

[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_00]: you received love as a child. Just imagine this, for example. A child experiences some kind of

[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_00]: abuse and that could look like emotional neglect where they're often told that their emotions are too

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER_00]: much and they end up getting sent to their room until they calm down. So the child is feeling

[00:06:08] [SPEAKER_00]: really alone in their experience of their big emotions. And they might internalize that as

[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_00]: rejection that they are too much, that their feelings are too much, that it's not safe to express

[00:06:22] [SPEAKER_00]: emotions that aren't happy and joyful and loving. The parent might also be criticizing as well,

[00:06:29] [SPEAKER_00]: which again reinforces that rejection. But they also have these wonderful moments where the parent

[00:06:36] [SPEAKER_00]: might be very affectionate and might be full of praise and attention and recognition.

[00:06:44] [SPEAKER_00]: For their good behavior, their good marks, or their academic achievements, or athletic achievements,

[00:06:49] [SPEAKER_00]: whatever it might be. That the child's experience of love in this scenario is that love plus abuse,

[00:06:57] [SPEAKER_00]: plus rejection is normal. The child will learn how to shut down those feelings because they're

[00:07:07] [SPEAKER_00]: not safe to express or to feel. And the less that the child expresses or feels their emotions,

[00:07:16] [SPEAKER_00]: the more that the parent can be happy, quote-unquote, the more there can be peace in the family home

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_00]: if the child is not acting out their emotions. So the child will begin to somewhat internalize

[00:07:30] [SPEAKER_00]: and blame themselves when bad things happen. So there might still be moments where the parent is

[00:07:36] [SPEAKER_00]: criticizing or belittling them and the child who has been trying so hard to be perfect and to be

[00:07:44] [SPEAKER_00]: the amazing athlete or whatever it is that the parent wants them to be the straightest student.

[00:07:51] [SPEAKER_00]: And yet the child is still getting criticized and rejected for it because it's still not enough.

[00:07:57] [SPEAKER_00]: That's how the child forms that belief of their notting enough. No matter what they do,

[00:08:00] [SPEAKER_00]: they're notting off because there's always some sort of criticism that the parent has about what

[00:08:06] [SPEAKER_00]: the child could be doing better. So the child blames themselves and they internalize that.

[00:08:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I didn't try hard enough. Oh, I'm not perfect enough. Oh, I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough.

[00:08:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Pretty enough. Then enough. Whatever it might be, they begin to experience that love hurts.

[00:08:23] [SPEAKER_00]: That there's no such thing as unconditional love for this child because this child only feels

[00:08:29] [SPEAKER_00]: when they are performing, achieving or being whatever it is that the parent expects them to be.

[00:08:39] [SPEAKER_00]: So they grow up and they reenact that in their adult relationships. The child as an adult

[00:08:44] [SPEAKER_00]: needs to find a partner then that's also going to reject and criticize them constantly

[00:08:49] [SPEAKER_00]: and abuse them emotionally and psychologically and spiritually.

[00:08:54] [SPEAKER_00]: The adult again will shut down their feelings. They'll self-sacrifice their needs and their wants

[00:09:00] [SPEAKER_00]: because they've been doing it since they were a child for their parents.

[00:09:05] [SPEAKER_00]: The adult will self-blame when things go wrong in the relationship, believing that it's

[00:09:10] [SPEAKER_00]: their fault that they did something wrong that they could be better, that they need to try harder,

[00:09:15] [SPEAKER_00]: that they need to change, they need to fix whatever's wrong. And it's never about what the

[00:09:20] [SPEAKER_00]: partner is doing wrong. It's ever about how a relationship takes two people who have equal

[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_00]: accountability with what they create together. This adult is literally just trying to be good enough

[00:09:33] [SPEAKER_00]: in the relationship and live up to the expectations that this narcissistic partner has.

[00:09:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Which if you're in a relationship with a narcissist, you'll know that nothing you ever do is good

[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_00]: enough. And so it keeps you striving, it keeps you trying to achieve, it keeps you in that

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_00]: chase for love and attention and recognition and validation and approval, and that

[00:09:56] [SPEAKER_00]: chase for safety that never seems to come. Thank you for tuning in to Awakener. Today's

[00:10:04] [SPEAKER_00]: conversation may have ended but your journey towards healing and empowerment is ongoing.

[00:10:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, every challenge you face is an opportunity to grow stronger and more resilient.

[00:10:14] [SPEAKER_00]: If our stories today inspired you, consider sharing this episode with someone who needs these

[00:10:19] [SPEAKER_00]: empowering messages. I'm Curris ASTEP, cheering you on as you take the steps to heal, grow,

[00:10:25] [SPEAKER_00]: and transform your life. Keep believing in yourself and until next time, stay empowered.