Moment 005: Stay or Leave? Relationship Red Flags

[00:00:00] An apology without remorse or acceptance of responsibility is not an apology.

[00:00:06] Full stop.

[00:00:07] If your partner is manipulative or doesn't love respect or value you, then it's

[00:00:12] probably a good idea to start exploring how to exit that relationship.

[00:00:17] Welcome to AwakenedHer, the podcast where women find their strength and transform

[00:00:22] their pain into power.

[00:00:24] I'm Corissa Stepp, your guide on this journey of healing, growth and empowerment.

[00:00:30] Here we share the real stories of women who have faced life's toughest challenges and

[00:00:35] emerged stronger.

[00:00:37] Together with expert insights to light your path forward, whether you're seeking to heal,

[00:00:42] grow or empower your life after heartache, awaken her is here to show you that not only

[00:00:48] is changed possible but you are capable of achieving more than you ever imagined.

[00:00:54] Let's dive into today's episode and take another step towards becoming your most empowered

[00:00:59] self.

[00:01:02] Being unable to communicate effectively with your partner is going to hinder your growth,

[00:01:07] your connection and your emotional intimacy and ultimately your physical intimacy in

[00:01:11] your relationship.

[00:01:13] Do you and your partner frequently argue about the same things over and over again?

[00:01:18] Do you find yourselves often yelling and consistently unable to find a resolution?

[00:01:23] Do you feel that more often than not that you are the one apologizing for things that

[00:01:28] you didn't do just so that you can smooth things over?

[00:01:32] Or are one or both of you sweeping things under the rug hoping that if you avoid the issue

[00:01:36] or issues that they'll go away on their own?

[00:01:40] When things do settle down, does your partner apologize or do you end up accepting more

[00:01:45] than your fair share of accountability while they accept none?

[00:01:49] Are they remorseful or are they using you work or stress as a scapegoat for their behavior?

[00:01:56] If you and your partner are constantly fighting over the same things without resolution,

[00:02:00] or find that you are constantly being scapegoted or your partner is coming up with excuses

[00:02:04] for their poor behavior, then these are all red flags and you may want to reconsider saying in

[00:02:10] their relationship.

[00:02:12] An apology without remorse or acceptance of responsibility for what happened is not an apology,

[00:02:17] full stop.

[00:02:21] Now let's talk about trust.

[00:02:23] So the foundation as we know for any healthy relationship is trust.

[00:02:26] The trial and fidelity are repeated breaches of trust erode the foundation of a healthy marriage,

[00:02:31] making it challenging to rebuild and maintain a strong relationship.

[00:02:35] If your partner is manipulating you,

[00:02:38] you may also find that you're trust in them erodes over time because you can't trust someone

[00:02:42] who always has an ulterior motive or who isn't being honest and upfront with you.

[00:02:47] This can also happen in very subtle ways where perhaps your partner tells you everything is

[00:02:53] fine and then later you find out that they were angry with you over something you said or did.

[00:02:58] Or where perhaps they say one thing and a few minutes later say something different.

[00:03:03] These can be very subtle signs of gaslighting, that sometimes we're not even aware that it's happening.

[00:03:09] But if little things like that are happening over and over again, what that's doing is it's

[00:03:13] giving evidence to your mind that your partner cannot be trusted even if they haven't

[00:03:18] cheated on you or lied to you in a significant way.

[00:03:22] Those little teeny tiny white lies add up over time and it's what I call kind of like death by

[00:03:27] 1,000 paper cuts. Now what about affection? Is your partner affection at with you or have they

[00:03:32] withdrawn affection? Is your affection returned or do you no longer desire to be affectionate with your

[00:03:38] partner? Persistent lack of intimacy including reduced or absent physical affection can be a sign of

[00:03:44] emotional or physical disconnect. Also, if affection is being withheld as a way of controlling a

[00:03:50] desired outcome or as a way to show disapproval or rejection then again this is a red these are

[00:03:56] red flags and you may want to reconsider your relationship. Equally, if you're being coerced to give

[00:04:02] in to physical intimacy despite the fact that you've set a boundary or said no then this is also

[00:04:08] very toxic and you may want to explore exit strategies. Power, is there a power imbalance in your

[00:04:14] relationship? Are most of the decisions in your relationship family or home made by one person?

[00:04:21] Is your partner controlling or manipulative? Is your ability to make good and healthy decisions

[00:04:26] questioned or criticized? Or does your partner make big decisions without consulting you?

[00:04:33] If you answered yes to most of these questions then there is a definite power imbalance in your

[00:04:38] relationship and I'm sorry babe but you're not the one with reagency. Your power has been

[00:04:44] you served and you've been wittled down to a figurehead. A significant power imbalance in a relationship

[00:04:49] can feel oppressive and be extremely unhealthy. Harm and abuse, any form of physical, emotional,

[00:04:56] psychological, financial or sexual abuse within a relationship is a severe warning sign.

[00:05:02] Then necessitates immediate action and you should seek professional help so that you can plan

[00:05:06] a safe exit from a potentially if not dangerous situation. I had to put in that little disclaimer

[00:05:11] it's super important that if any kind of abuse is going on where you don't feel safe

[00:05:17] then you need to contact your local domestic violence shelter and get help on figuring out how to

[00:05:23] exit safely. The bottom line is if you and your partner love trust and respect each other,

[00:05:29] share similar values, dreams and goals but are struggling with communication into

[00:05:34] missing your conflict resolution then it may be worth seeking professional support as a couple.

[00:05:39] To learn the skills and tools that you need to keep your relationship going

[00:05:42] if your partner is controlling, abusive, manipulative, has betrayed you or doesn't love respect or

[00:05:49] value you or you don't value respect and love them then it's probably a good idea to start

[00:05:55] exploring how to exit the relationship and begin doing the work on yourself.

[00:06:00] That's not to say that you need to get out of the relationship immediately,

[00:06:04] you may actually need time to do the work on yourself first and heal while you're still in the

[00:06:09] relationship provided that you're able to set healthy boundaries that they're not pushing back

[00:06:15] that allow you to feel safe while remaining in it. Again though if there's any kind of abuse happening

[00:06:22] in the relationship then you will most definitely want to seek professional support and if after

[00:06:28] listening to all this you're still not sure whether or not you should stay or go.

[00:06:33] Think about how you feel in your body when you're alone, right? Assess how you feel just before

[00:06:39] you see your partner, just after you spend time with them and how you feel during the interaction.

[00:06:46] Your body knows the answers before your mind or heart can see clearly what's going on.

[00:06:52] So for example if you feel like you're really happy when you're alone in your own energy

[00:06:57] and then the minute that you hear the doorbell, the keys in the front door, right? Or the garage door

[00:07:03] open. If you anticipate with anxiety or dread that your partner is about to walk through the door

[00:07:10] then that's going to be a clear indication as to whether or not this relationship is something

[00:07:14] that is healthy or not healthy for you. Okay so notice how you feel when you're with your partner.

[00:07:21] Do you feel safe? Do you feel calm? Do you feel grounded? Or are you feeling anxious?

[00:07:26] nervous on edge? Angry? Shut down or not. Our body keeps the score. Our body has a

[00:07:34] deeper level of intelligence or access to deeper level of intelligence than our minds

[00:07:38] compulsively comprehend. So if your body is showing you signs right through your feelings,

[00:07:43] through your emotions, through the sensations in your body. When you're with your partner or right

[00:07:48] after you see them or even just before when you know they're about to walk in the door

[00:07:51] if you're starting to feel uncomfortable, unsettled, nervous like I said anxious on edge.

[00:07:59] Or if you're feeling shut down and numb after the fact then that means that you

[00:08:03] were likely going into fight or flight like they are triggering something within you. You're going

[00:08:08] into fight or flight because you're not feeling safe in that relationship. And if by the time they leave

[00:08:14] you're feeling numb and shut down and completely disconnected then you've gone into a freeze

[00:08:19] state, which again means that now you have perceived that the threat is real and it's your in danger.

[00:08:27] So be mindful of your energy levels too. If you're feeling very energized when you're with

[00:08:32] your partner then that's great. They light you up. That means that you're enjoying and you're

[00:08:39] excited and you're having a good time with them. You enjoy being in their company and their

[00:08:44] present, having meaningful conversations or just sitting down next to each other and watching TV.

[00:08:50] But if you're feeling completely drained and exhausted by the time the evening ends or by the

[00:08:56] time you guys kind of go your own ways during the evening where maybe you're going to bed first,

[00:09:00] whatever it might be then again potentially like you're going into that shutdown mode,

[00:09:04] you're going into freeze because you don't feel safe. So all that being said if you're still not

[00:09:12] sure then please feel free to book a free clarity call with me so that you can gain the

[00:09:18] clarity and the confidence to know which direction your relationship is how to then. And to do that

[00:09:24] you can head to my website, you can head to my Instagram, at Carissa Step, go to the link in the

[00:09:30] bio and click on book a clarity call with me. It's a free consultation, it's a 30 minute call.

[00:09:37] We can talk through kind of what you're experiencing and how you're feeling and I can help

[00:09:40] provide you with some additional questions maybe to help you get to your truth about where you stand

[00:09:47] with regards to your relationship. Thank you for tuning in to a week and her.

[00:09:54] Today's conversation may have ended but your journey towards healing and empowerment is ongoing.

[00:09:59] Remember every challenge you face is an opportunity to grow stronger and more resilient.

[00:10:05] If our stories today inspired you, consider sharing this episode with someone who needs

[00:10:09] these empowering messages. I'm Carissa Step cheering you on as you take the steps to heal,

[00:10:15] grow and transform your life. Keep believing in yourself and until next time, stay empowered.